The Joy of Your Heart

Some days are rougher than others when you’re dealing with a long distance relationship. Especially when there is so much on the line. Finding that perfect person is rare, so you make an oath to overcome all obstacles, even that of seemingly overwhelming distance. You wait, you worry, you hope, you fear, you get lost in thoughts of Her and then drowned in doubts of what will come to be.

This is one of those days, though it, like all the days, possesses a tone that rises and falls with the moments. The biggest issue for now and the next week is that my Love is buried in joyful times. Why is this an issue, you ask? Because it is when our loved ones are in such a state that we must tread carefully so as not to disturb their happiness. Her happiness is so important to me. The expressions of my trials must remain as unspoken as possible.

It is during these times that I feel the most alone. I want to share the turbulence of my hours, but must protect her from myself. My feelings remain buried, leaking out here and there (mostly here, it seems). I try to comfort myself with the imagined sight of her smile, the imagined sound of her laughter, the myriad other expressions of joy that pour from her. I reach across 2000 miles to touch that happiness. And I smile because she is well.

Still, the need for an embrace or a small kiss or whispered words of encouragement does not go away. Like all human beings, I require the symbols of our Love to be present in my day-to-day. When those symbols fade, my mornings become melancholy and my dreams turn to nightmares.

I have lived in a state of isolation before. The need to curb expression is nothing new to me. But when there is a safe place to put aside the habits of old, it is difficult to not spend all of my time there. She is Home and I wish to forever live beneath the roof of our Love, no matter how much the weather may try to break that Home into dust.

My Love. You are out there somewhere. You are happy. Know that my thoughts are with you. And that you live deep in my heart, no matter what obstacles the world chooses to place in our way. The wait is almost over and I am coming. And all will be right with the world as we lose ourselves in each other’s arms.

- JM

Thinkin' about a Girl (again)

Sitting here, drinking my first cup of the day, and realizing why love is an addiction.

Coffee

When I wake up in the morning,

You’re the first thing in my head.

Struggle with gravity,

As I struggle out of bed.

Stumble to the kitchen,

Without a thought of eating.

My eyes are on the prize,

Of that 7am greeting.

Cause baby, you’re my coffee,

Doll, you’re my coffee.

First thought in the morning,

Leave me shaking all night.

You occupy my mind,

Like you occupy my cup.

And after that first taste of you,

I know it’s not enough.

I know it’s too late,

I know that I’m hooked,

I know I can’t stop,

Addicted and infatuated.

Cause darling you’re my coffee,

And I’ll drink you all day.

Keep you close to me always,

Never let you slip away.

You satisfy my urges,

And inspire my mind.

With your warm, wet flavor,

And the coarseness of your grind.

So let me have you in the morning,

Let me have you at work,

Let me have you anytime,

That I’m feeling the urge.

Cause baby, you’re my coffee,

Doll, you’re my coffee.

First thought in the morning,

Leave me shaking all night.

Without my coffee,

The day is a misery.

Without you, baby,

I’d rather be asleep.

A Touch More Melancholy

It seems the thoughts won't sit still today. So much to do, yet the mind is so preoccupied. The same thing, over and over. I can already tell this is going to be a very tiresome day. Will you be there to help me endure? That question used to be so easy to answer... Now, I have no answers. All I can do is await yours.

Waiting for Echoes

Cold and alone, I sit at the edge of the precipice,

2000 miles between you and I.

I scream across the gap,

“Hello? Are you there?”

And count the minutes,

That stretch into hours,

Until the echo comes back to me.

Struggle On

Every thought consumed,

Every hour devoured,

By the effort to make things whole.

My back bends,

My mind tires,

Under the weight of the struggle.

My fingers pause,

No words come,

I am weary from the war.

So I await your whisper in my ear,

Words to tell me “Struggle on.”

Unable to move until I hear you,

Unable to fight without your help,

Or until I finally forget,

How much I am missing you.

Unspoken

Hand in hand we walk,

You, like a child beside me,

Eyes wide and joyful.

That joy infects me.

You run ahead and around in circles,

My steps are slow with my burden.

And I want so much to ask you,

“Will you help me carry this weight?”

But say nothing,

For I am too afraid.

That you will run away,

To find easier games to play.

Melancholy Thoughts for a Melancholy Morning

There is no doubt that a long-distance relationship can be a terrible and vicious thing. The absence and limitations of time and space make even simplest things incredibly difficult at times. With the effort of both parties, these trials can be overcome and moments of separation turned into experiences of each other that bring joy.
But what happens when those experiences begin to fall by the wayside? When the effort to maintain contact and reassure each other "Yes, I am still here. Yes, I am still thinking of you. Yes, I can't go a day without losing myself in you, if only for the brief moment that the busy world allows" dwindles into trace elements.
We all get caught up in life and anxiety. But then, isn't the overcoming of those obstacles the very nature of Love? If we ask to be supported in our efforts to bridge the gap of space and time, should we not expect an enthusiastic response from the one who loves us?

Sometimes I lose my faith. Without her to renew it, I do not know if it will return. And when she explains to me in so many words why she can't be around, all I can hear is "I have games to play, time to pass, idle hours to waste. My mind has no time for thoughts of you anymore. The television is calling, and you must wait. Internet distractions are calling, and you must wait. My need to relax and unwind is calling, and I have no effort to give when it comes to us."

Am I being selfish in my need? Or am I being treated like one more game - play with me when I am desirable, put me on the shelf when she'd rather be doing something else.

These days, it becomes increasingly difficult to tell one state of being from the other. I really hope it's just a phase, for both of us...

5 Minutes

What once was a storm,

Has turned into a drizzle.

Once we shared every moment,

Now we share so few.

The weariness of time and space,

It takes its toll.

And now as the day grows closer,

There is little left.

Little left to remind me,

Of what we were to become.

Of who you are,

Those many miles away.

You say the digital world,

Has become your bane.

Yet the Internet speaks to me,

Of telltale traces.

As you make your way through,

The artificial world.

Hours to pass in idle leisure,

With your nemesis.

Yet when I ask for 5 minutes,

You tell me “maybe”.

And it makes me doubt,

And wonder,

How you have so much time to play,

Yet no time to play with me.

She's Always on My Mind

It seems I can't go an hour without drifting back to her. At least tonight my mind is very insistent on me continuing in this vein. First one way and then the other... it all gets so confusing sometimes. And I'm so very, very tired. Still, the mind does not take well to rest when consumed with visions. Lucky for me, the visions have turned pleasant.

And so I present another poem (is it even a poem if there are no rhymes?).

When someone is so very far away, there are only so many ways to bring yourself closer to them. I've often found the best way to do this is to simply close my eyes. Close my eyes and dwell upon all things that ensnared me in this blissful state of co-being. Well, all the things that are proper to speak of when there might be an audience listening...

Luckily, I have a strong imagination and a talent for visualization. While this is not always a boon (particularly when it comes time to enter my worried state of mind), at times like these it is most welcome. For all I must do is close my eyes, and we are closer to together already.

With Closed Eyes:

As quickly as the dawn can turn to midday,

If you close your eyes and forget that time is passing,

So too the ways my mind shifts,

In its visions of you.

The doubts melt away, the imagination takes a new path.

I remember all the things that inspire my love.

I close my eyes and see you smiling at me,

Our hearts filled with joy.

I listen to the music of your laughter,

Watching the cute way you cover your mouth with your hand,

A shyness unnecessary in my presence,

Though the gesture makes me smile every time.

I see the gentle curves of your skin,

The perfect way your pieces come together.

Each and every view of you a gift of angel’s graces,

A challenge to my lack of faith in God.

I close my eyes tightly and imagine,

Imagine you are here with me right now.

And I imagine your eyes blossom,

As they shift…

From wonder (listen to this new thing I discovered!)

To outrage (what has he done to my precious Star Trek!?)

To fear (the world is filled with so many frightening things…)

To childlike joy (I must tell you of the many delights of ponies!)

To self-conscious ridiculousness (my pretend beach has no sand…)

To enthusiasm (is it May yet?)

To worry (why did I choose this artist’s path?)

To adoration (your words are so wonderful!)

To creation (I have this project that I’m working on…)

To Love (you are always in my heart and mind)

To countless other bursts of your truest soul.

Some born of reality,

Other just a product of my curious speculation.

All just as beautiful,

All just as captivating,

All small pieces,

Of the perfect song that is you


Always dreaming of you, my precious gift.

- Jason McAnelly

Thoughts of a Girl

Given that no one reads my book, my author profile has taken a turn for the dusty.

So I now deem it to be a place of poetry! Rejoice!

My life's events are complicated right now. I'm in love with a girl quite far away from me. I've been in love with her for a year-and-a-half. Though she did not always know it. Things evolved, words were spoken and now we sit, each in our own corner of the world, wondering what comes next.

Like all love, the elation drove us onward at first. Now the truth of the events sets in - we are so very far away from each other. Not to say that this is an obstacle insurmountable. But to two writers, both tangled in the complexities of a world that barely has a reasoned order to our uniquely scattered perceptions... the world of the mind becomes heavy with doubts.

Doubts that can only be settled with the passage of time. With the finding of a key in a cat's belly. With the sharing of laughter and the sharing of kisses. With the holding of hands while watching that one television show we really want the other to see. With the dispelling of tales of demons come to haunt, of betrayals waiting just around the corner, of sadness imminently hunting us, of finding that our minds somehow lied when they told us that we were in Love...

Doubts that could be shattered with a simple meeting of the eyes.

There is nothing I want more in the world.

And there is nothing I fear more than losing Us before we have even been found.

Which leads to my poem...

Shadows:

Electric sobs, pixilated tears, I know of your pain but only feel echoes.

Seeking to touch you through the unseen waves of cyberspace,

To hold you close, to let your worries drain upon my shoulder,

But falling short every time.

All I can do is stand here, isolated and 2000 miles away.

The pain of my impotence driving me under.

Thoughts to comfort you filtered from five senses down to two.

Searching out that laugh, that joy in your voice.

Some sign that I have touched you truly,

That my intentions were not broken into digital format,

Scrambled and reassembled,

A barbed tongue now replacing gentle words.

And I wonder if I can be your strength,

When my arms are trapped in another place,

Only my fingertips working to make clear my love,

Dancing across the keyboard.

Sent by a mind in flux,

Those words becoming tangled and illegible.

And I fear that time when I finally come close to you,

That I will fail in my duties, that my promises will break.

Or that you will see the truth in me,

And discover that it is not what you first thought.

That I am madness,

A disease that can only pollute your purest heart.

You will look into my shadowed soul,

See the flaws and the pain,

And wish them away again.

The regrets of a decision made with hope in the heart.

Within the shadows a great man was waiting,

But there was no great man after all.

And if you're reading this, MJ, know that I Love you like nothing else. And if you are not, then I hope my thoughts catch on a loose strand of bandwidth and download into your dreams tonight.

- Jason McAnelly

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