Thoughts of a Girl

Given that no one reads my book, my author profile has taken a turn for the dusty.

So I now deem it to be a place of poetry! Rejoice!

My life's events are complicated right now. I'm in love with a girl quite far away from me. I've been in love with her for a year-and-a-half. Though she did not always know it. Things evolved, words were spoken and now we sit, each in our own corner of the world, wondering what comes next.

Like all love, the elation drove us onward at first. Now the truth of the events sets in - we are so very far away from each other. Not to say that this is an obstacle insurmountable. But to two writers, both tangled in the complexities of a world that barely has a reasoned order to our uniquely scattered perceptions... the world of the mind becomes heavy with doubts.

Doubts that can only be settled with the passage of time. With the finding of a key in a cat's belly. With the sharing of laughter and the sharing of kisses. With the holding of hands while watching that one television show we really want the other to see. With the dispelling of tales of demons come to haunt, of betrayals waiting just around the corner, of sadness imminently hunting us, of finding that our minds somehow lied when they told us that we were in Love...

Doubts that could be shattered with a simple meeting of the eyes.

There is nothing I want more in the world.

And there is nothing I fear more than losing Us before we have even been found.

Which leads to my poem...

Shadows:

Electric sobs, pixilated tears, I know of your pain but only feel echoes.

Seeking to touch you through the unseen waves of cyberspace,

To hold you close, to let your worries drain upon my shoulder,

But falling short every time.

All I can do is stand here, isolated and 2000 miles away.

The pain of my impotence driving me under.

Thoughts to comfort you filtered from five senses down to two.

Searching out that laugh, that joy in your voice.

Some sign that I have touched you truly,

That my intentions were not broken into digital format,

Scrambled and reassembled,

A barbed tongue now replacing gentle words.

And I wonder if I can be your strength,

When my arms are trapped in another place,

Only my fingertips working to make clear my love,

Dancing across the keyboard.

Sent by a mind in flux,

Those words becoming tangled and illegible.

And I fear that time when I finally come close to you,

That I will fail in my duties, that my promises will break.

Or that you will see the truth in me,

And discover that it is not what you first thought.

That I am madness,

A disease that can only pollute your purest heart.

You will look into my shadowed soul,

See the flaws and the pain,

And wish them away again.

The regrets of a decision made with hope in the heart.

Within the shadows a great man was waiting,

But there was no great man after all.

And if you're reading this, MJ, know that I Love you like nothing else. And if you are not, then I hope my thoughts catch on a loose strand of bandwidth and download into your dreams tonight.

- Jason McAnelly